This is an ‘of the moment’ post. Things will look different in the light of a new day, my spirituality has educated me to know this. However, this post is authentic, from the heart and of the moment! It refers to living in the covid19 pandemic under lockdown or house arrest (depending on your perspective!).
There is a caveat: The purpose of it is to reach out to other people living alone, just anyone who feels cut off. Much has been said and written about the vulnerable, key workers etc, this is for the ordinary person who has their health, a roof over their heads and may feel like they don’t have a right to feel alone and isolated when so many more people are going through other traumas.
When I was married I was alone; I was alone most of the time! My husband was busy out clinching the latest business deal, clutching the latest woman or getting drunk in a bar somewhere, but he was there in the background – was I happy? No. But he was there in the distance and I loved him. Now I am divorced, traded in for a younger model and I find myself living alone; living alone during house arrest and it is the pits!
The days are fine you busy yourself with study, work, chores etc, but then there are the evenings and weekends. The feeling of isolation is overwhelming. You try to keep your chin up, you counsel yourself, but in reality it is just you and the TV. Yes there are books, art, music – all of those and more besides, however, they all stink when there is no one to ask if they want a cuppa; they stink when your brain is asking what is the point of it all, they stink when you feel alone. There are friends, beautiful friends and family who you love and who love you, but they are not there at the end of the day, they are not ‘in’ your life, quite rightly they have lives of their own to live.
There is social media a combination of 50% BS and 50% ok, but it is not someone to laugh with, cry with, eat with, drink with; there are animals and love them as we do they do not replace a member of our own species.
During house arrest it is not even possible to walk the dogs in the places that you like because driving to them is outlawed and even if you did they are closed off. You could run the risk of driving to an isolated spot to walk the dog only to find you have been tracked by a drone or your neighbours have ‘dobbed’ you in to the police!
You try to eat properly, not drink too much, meditate, but you ponder what the heck is the point of that, you might as well get shitfaced and fat!
When you are lonely, quite frankly you would rather take your chance with a global pandemic than look at the clock one more time to see if 8pm is really too early to go to bed, because somehow it is better than sitting in your living room on your own.
I am a person who is used to my own company, reasonably comfortable in my own skin, I have experienced marriage break up and two major surgeries all in the space of 15 months and lived to tell the tale, stronger and happier than before and yet sometimes, just sometimes, the act of having my liberty taken from me and therefore the interactions with other humans, particularly my children and grandchild is enough to tip me into a dark place. Tomorrow the sun shall rise and I with it, spending my day busying myself and then will arrive another evening, the worst of them all a Saturday that will lead me onto Sunday where I will motivate myself to make a roast dinner for one and spend another evening of lockdown thinking of all the things I could be doing and yet somehow not quite finding the impetus to do any of them.
Stay safe folks, but just as important stay sane and happy!